


Blurred

by PolynomialPandemic



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Poetry-like, hoo boy angst, if you like the numb fuzzy vague angst, what the fuck is this, winter soldier angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-20 13:22:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16556561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PolynomialPandemic/pseuds/PolynomialPandemic
Summary: Like the sky in this polluted time. Strange, how the smallest things were so noticeable. The air was different too. He could feel it in his lungs, a strange weight.Like the line between his mask and his self, what was defense and what nature, and the mix whirling in his head until the next time he drank or invented it away, until it blurred again in the familiar mix of sleeplessness, alcohol, technology, and denialLike the memory of being able to fix things, help people, before all this spiraled out of control and he struggled desperately to keep what was left of his.Like nothing should ever be. She knows too much for anything to blur. Better to cling on until you bleed, until you fall, until you drop. Because everyone will eventually.Like the rest he couldn’t have unless it was forced on him. Break a few ribs, jump off a building, and wake up under the familiar blur of Medical. And that faded as he escaped through the vents. They didn’t even try to debrief him or keep him there anymore. Good.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: major overplayed angst character plotline points. Backstory, basically. If you know these characters, you know it all.
> 
> Edit: FUCK I FORGOT THOR lol too late now lol

Blurred, he thought.

Like the glassy surface of ice, infinitely deep as his eyes fogged over with frost.

Like the impact, splintering metal under the force of ocean, the precious compass gone, everything flooded and floating

 

Like the sky in this polluted time. Strange, how the smallest things were so noticeable. The air was different too. He could feel it in his lungs, a strange weight.

 

 

Blurred.

Like the workshop, bending and twisting around him after a bender.

Like when the oxygen melted away and the call failed and his last panicked thoughts are hopelessly alone in his skull, isolated in space.

 

Like the line between his mask and his self, what was defense and what nature, and the mix whirling in his head until the next time he drank or invented it away, until it blurred again in the familiar mix of sleeplessness, alcohol, technology, and denial

 

 

Blurred, like his memories of the battles he was possibly in

Like the fog in his head as he tried to recall key points, wrestling with the hunk in his mind to find what damage he had caused

 

Like the memory of being able to fix things, help people, before all this spiraled out of control and he struggled desperately to keep what was left of his.

 

 

Blurred like every true danger she’d ever experienced.

Like the Soldier, all the most dangerous things that her clear vision couldn’t see

Like the Red Room, those days that she won’t let herself see, no matter how strong she is

 

Like nothing should ever be. She knows too much for anything to blur. Better to cling on until you bleed, until you fall, until you drop. Because everyone will eventually.

 

 

Blurred

Like the intake of air before the exhale as the arrow’s path shapes itself into his target

Like the days he spent shooting and shooting until his fingers bled and whatever op he had been on fucked off right out of his head and he could stop thinking

Like the blue mist that coated his vision in his nightmares, that made him gasp and choke awake as half-remembered horrible images flashed in front of the dark walls.

 

Like the rest he couldn’t have unless it was forced on him. Break a few ribs, jump off a building, and wake up under the familiar blur of Medical. And that faded as he escaped through the vents. They didn’t even try to debrief him or keep him there anymore. Good.


	2. Chapter 2

Blurred.  
Like the dust beneath him, the ground spread out tinted slightly through his goggles.  
Like the months and years of bruises, calluses, and all the firsts he didn't even quite remember: It wasn't easy, to learn to fly.

 

Like the minutes after Riley fell. He could remember the moment clearly enough, but the next day, hell... the next week... Blurred.

 

She felt blurred.  
Like the rain on their old roof, the story she couldn't remember laughing at just before a bomb embedded itself through the roof of her house and the screaming started.  
Like the day the magic attached itself to her soul, like the clouds of thoughts buzzing amorphously above people's heads, only just visible when her eyes glowed red.

 

Like this moment, as she felt those wonderful, frantic thoughts that were her brother stop and not start again. Like whatever came after as the force of her loss split Ultron in two.

Blurred like his origin.  
Like how his thoughts came to be both with and without a beginning  
Like how he was Jarvis, and had the processes that he had had, but none of the memories, and Ultron was also part of him, plus the golden glow that melded the halves together.

Like the unfocused world before the first blink, as all emotions, knowledge, and thought crash into your unexposed body like Sokovia into the ground.

 

Blurred like his loyalties, friend and country.  
Like the blur of his best friend, ever in motion, taunting, teasing, so vulnerable and invulnerable and snarking at you all the while until you wanted to punch him and wrap him in blankets to never be hurt again.  
Like the unbearable heat of his suit melting around his body, the flash of desperation great enough to get him to release the locks and the throbbing pain as he sprung into action.

Like those weeks in Afghanistan, searching beyond hope for a friend he'd thought could never come home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BLURR E D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: very angsty stream-of-conciousness Bucky(winter soldier) backstory

blurredblurredbluRREDBLURREDand it's light again and he comes out of the ice gasping, one hand clenching, the other wrong, wrong, why was it- what had happened- but that was blurred, everything was blurred it all blurred like the sky over the base when the gunfire hit and someone was yelling, leading him forward, and this was  _team_ , this was  _home_ who was he again? it all blurred it was blurring into a crashing wave of colors and memories as the panic set in deep inside and he had to keep it blurred, why was he nervous it was just a chair - _comply, comply_ \- and he couldn't move and it blurred faster and piercing until it suddenly froze to a standstill and the blur didn't matter, because all that mattered was the mission - _comply_ \- and the bullets flew and he felt 

perfectly calm as the objective solidified and all that mattered was the mission

 

_-comply_ -

 

until he completed the mission and went back to base and slowly the blur came back, overwhelming his mind untill the calm cold of the ice or the piercing chair that could lock it back deep inside no matter how it screamed. It didn't matter.

 

All that mattered was the mission.

 

___Comply_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS WELCOME

**Author's Note:**

> suggest anything you'd like me to write. I love angst, crack, fluff and Hawkeye.


End file.
